The Night BEfore Popeyemas
by Popeye Theophilus Barrnumb
'Twas the night BEfore Popeyemas
when all through the World
not a lowlife dared Stir
even those who once could
The shotguns were hung
'bove the chimney, who dared
all knowing Saint Popeye
would still not BE scared
Adult children were trembling
fetal in made thorny beds
while visions of Popeye
Danse of Joy in their heads
BEyotch, fat and dumpy
basTard, drunken naps
had just swallowed down
their meds, pills and cap's
When all 'round the Net
those fat and some fatter
they pissed in their beds
a'feared what's the matter
They closed all their windows
'specially those with some flash
tore out their sparse hair
threw up thru their gash
The moon of large breasts
some knew, some would know
gave lustre to Popeye
as saw the objects BElow
When, what to their wondering
blurry eyes should rock
but a young youthful personage
with eight tiny puppet socks
With a li'l ol' master
lively quick wit, aye I
they knew in cold hearts
it must BE Saint Popeye!
More rapid than BEagles
His puppets, they came
and He whistled, and shouted
and called them by name
Now, the G0d of Ants! Now, tGoSP!
Now, SpyDrMAN and Blue Wolfe!
On, unSub! On Evile Klown!
On, Wolverine!! and BEoWulf!
They all heard those names
knew soon they would fall!
now run away!! run away!!!
run away all!!!!
Dry heaves they wretch
whirlwinds make them cry
When they meet with the obstacle
who looks down from on high
A curse on their houses
these Cursers they knew
the Slayer Sock Puppets
and Saint Popeye too
And then, in a twinkling
they heard on their roof
the dancing and LOLing
of each little spoof
As they threw up their hands
turning 'round and 'round
down the chimney Saint Popeye
came without sound
He was dressed in fake fur
from His head to His foot
but He never was tarnished
with ashes nor soot
His Danse of Joy
His polished brass sack
He looked like a Jester
with an enormous pack (-age)
His eyes — how they twinkled!
His aeternal laffz, how merry
high cheekbones, large nose
His tongue could tie cherries!
His large little mouth
was wise as you know
His complexion of skin
was as white as the snow
His smell was quite ripe
has gleeming white teeth
a shining halo encircled
His head like a wreath
He liked to feed His face
with peanut butter and jelly
His farts, when He laughed
were awfully smelly
They were chubby and plump
in stone near double twelve
they cried out when they saw Him
again pissed themselves
They could not BElieve their eyes
as He danced in their heads
soon they did know
they had Popeye to dread
Through all truthful words
and straight-talking works
He killed with puppet sockings
and proved they were jerks
Using His middle finger
upturning His nose
He pointed out Truths
that's the way it goes
They tried using 'gay'
all they got was a whistle
BEfore long they all knew
doo not mess with His huge missile!
He had proved all His claims
gave all of them true sight
Merpy Popeyemas to all
and to all a Truth-night
And now.... The Danse of Joy!
Please note well:
If Popeye ain't Happy,
ain't nooobody Happy.
Popeye is Incontrovertible!
Malice may attack Him;
Ignorance may deride Him;
But, in the End,
there He is.
I am My own Straight Man
Our Fearless Leader
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